Specifically, there are foods that I hate. Hate is not quite strong enough a word, however; there are certain foods that I abhor, that make me physically sick, that I get queasy just thinking about. For now, let’s put aside the why of it and focus on the what.
To me, some foods are absolutely repulsive. To understand what I’m talking about, I think of these foods—mostly fresh vegetables—as essentially the same, to me, as dog shit. There is an equivalence in my mind where one can just as easily substitute for another. This evening, we visited a certain “gourmet hamburger” restaurant; here is one item from the menu:
We claim this to be the best bacon cheeseburger in the state, nation and all the world! Garnished with hickory-smoked bacon, crisp lettuce, fresh tomatoes & mayo.
Most people, when reading this, think “Yum!” Some might think, “Oh, I really don’t like lettuce, so I’ll leave that off.” When I read it, however, I see this:
We claim this to be the best bacon cheeseburger in the state, nation and all the world! Garnished with hickory-smoked bacon, cold dog shit, fresh dog shit & spreadable dog shit.
Now do you understand? No, I’m not over-emphasizing this to make a point. “Crisp lettuce” elicits essentially the same emotional response in my brain as “cold dog shit” when applied to food.
I am humiliated by this, and I do my best to avoid situations where this can occur. I hate having to tell the waiter or waitress to leave certain items off. I hate being perceived as “picky” or “hard to deal with.” Tonight, for example, I ordered the Gourmet Cheeseburger, without the lettuce, without the tomatoes, without the pickles, without the mayo; basically just meat and cheese. I ordered the plain “meat and cheese” burger because it was easiest. I would love to have some of the fancy burgers with the fried jalapeno slices or the sauteed mushrooms. But it’s just too damn painful to try to deal with the situation.
What I hate worse, however, are restaurants where they do not list the ingredients on the menu; often, I’ll find an item on the menu that suits me, only to discover that, without mentioning it, they add mayonnaise to every sandwich without feeling the need to mention it. And, no, sending it back to the kitchen to scrape off the mayo doesn’t cut it (how would you like your sandwich with some fresh dog shit spread on the bread and then carefully scraped off? would that be good enough for you?)
I have no problems eating broccoli, brussels sprouts, asparagus, or any of the other usually “disliked” foods (note: this doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m a huge fan of brussels sprouts, but they don’t elicit the same feeling of revulsion in me that lettuce does).
The worst offenders here have already been mentioned: fresh lettuce, tomatoes, and mayonnaise. Other foods that are similar include fresh onions, sprouts, or carrots. Actually, I don’t have a huge revulsion towards onions; they upset my stomach (probably an allergy) so I tend to avoid them.
Ok, am I weird enough? Just wait, there’s more.
Most of these aversions apply only to fresh foods. For example, I love salsa containing tomatoes and onions, as long as it’s cooked, not fresh. I love sauteed onions or deep-fried onion rings (though I tend to avoid onions for other reasons, as mentioned above). I enjoy tomatoes sun-dried, in marinara sauce, as ketchup, or a horde of other ways: it’s only the cold, wet, slimy fresh ones that induce revulsion. Cabbage, on the other hand, I avoid no matter what state it’s in.
This has probably been too much information for many people, and for that I apologize. I’m tired of holding this inside, however, and I’m hopeful that, by sharing this, I’ll find out I’m not alone. Of course, it’s entirely possible I’ll find that I’m totally loony, and everyone will be whispering behind my back the next time I go out to lunch.
